My Struggle Isn't Suppose to be Yours

It's 1986 and the middle of summer.
A man by the name of Nicholas Lavaro tries
to live a normal and happy life with his husband Jack Rodin
and his daughter Octavia Rodin.
Although, there's something preventing him from living that life.
That 'something' is himself.

Thanks

I wanted to say a special thank you
to my friends who has helped me with
this project of mine
For my friend Lupi
for this story wouldn't been
the same without
them.
Lupi for helping me with concepts, plot points, and long with their own criticism.
I thank you. I also thank you for reading!

Chapters

Chapter One

“Hey Nicholas, are you doing anything tonight?” Nicholas looked up from his keys and saw a female coworker approaching him. “No, I am not. Just probably doing the same old thing at home.” He answered, walking out the hospital's front doors. His periwinkle eyes winced behind their glasses as he exposed them to the beating sun. He walked to his car as she continued to talk. “Oh, well, I’m not doing much either…” She laughed and sighed awkwardly as she followed him. He felt a swelling feeling of disdain and annoyance grow within the bottom of his chest, its pulse in rhythm with his heart. “I was just wondering if you just wanted to, I don’t know, get to know each other a little more?” He watched as her hands fidgeted embarrassedly, her face growing a flustering red. He took in a deep breath as he turned around with a smile and unlocked the car's door. “I’m sorry but I’m going to have to reject your offer there Clair. I know to most that when a person says that they have nothing going on, it’s an invitation to do something, but doing nothing is something to me.”He watched as her hopeful but nervous face quickly washed into one of slight disappointment. “Oh, I see. Well, it’s just you seem so lonely. You always seem to distance yourself from everyone who isn’t a patient.” Nicholas shook his head as he got into the driver’s seat. “...I know you’re trying to reason but I do that on purpose. I don’t like talking to anyone unless I have to.” Nicholas inserted the key in the ignition and heard as the engine roared to life. “Also it's a bit pitiful that you’re asking me out based on loneliness…” He thought as he watched her become timid and backed away from the car. He sighed, “I’m sorry if I came off as rude, but I am just not interested in dating, and I am just tired of people asking me or trying to ask me out. So if you know any other coworkers that are interested in me, then please tell them that I am not interested.”“Ah… Okay I will… Well, then I’ll see you tomorrow then Nicholas.”
“You too Clair, let’s… try to put this conversation behind us. I think it will be beneficial to the both of us when we try to fall asleep tonight.” and the both of them waved each other goodbye as he drove off.He checked his watch as he waited for a clearing in the road. 3:35 p.m. He rolled down the window and moved the sun visor towards his left as he got onto the road. It was still quite sunny out. He could feel the humidity start to gather as it blew into his pale face and golden white hair. He stroked his chin and stretched his eyes, thinking about the conversation he just had. He shook his head as tried to think about something else.He tried to recall the names of his patients, but could only remember their conditions. There’s only so much that he could remember after the 500th one. His thoughts were disturbed by the blowing of the train’s whistle, and occasionally glanced at it as it ran along the other side of the river. He furrowed his brow as he tried to refocus and recall more, but the point in time where he had arrived to work then everything after until now was nothing but a blur.Eventually after about 30 minutes, he pulled up in the driveway. Then before he exited his car, he stopped to slap himself out of his half awake and tired state. He looked in the rearview mirror and reparted his bangs.“Honey, I'm home!” He jokingly said with enthusiasm after he closed the door. The blinds were drawn and the windows were clean and clear, especially with the late afternoon sun shining through. The table that he dropped his keys off on seemed to be less dusty as well. He took off his shoes as music softly played from the record player. He took a moment to listen and it sounded like The Doors’s The Soft Parade, he jumped as Jim Morrison suddenly yelled.He caught himself on the end table and took a moment to shake his nerves calm. He looked around, and there he found his dear husband laying on the couch. He was sleeping and had a book flat open down on his chest. He smiled gently at him. He then pulled some of the stray black and grey hairs from his face and closed mouth. Bending over, he gave him a kiss on his forehead. He took his attention from him, and looked up directly straight ahead to see his daughter laying down in the chair. Her head rested on the back while she stared out the window, deep in thought with a book in her lap. It took her a moment to realize that he had come home.“Oh! Hi dad, welcome home.” She slipped her bookmark, closed her book and smoothed its paper cover as Nicholas walked over.
“Hey Octi, how are you two doing?” He leaned onto the back of the chair, peering over her. She looked up at him. “We’re doing good, for the most part. I do have a bit of a headache…”
“How come? Is it your ocular albinism?”
“It is…” She said shyly.
“Well why don’t you close the blinds?”
“It was at its worst earlier, when dad and I were in the garden. I tried to sleep it off but it didn’t do much, and I did take some painkillers earlier.”
“Are those helping at all?”
“They are, it wasn't as bad as it was…”
“Well that’s good. What were you reading before I got home?”
“Firestarter.” She lifted the book above her head so her father could get a better look at the cover.
“Ah, Stephen King… Hey, isn’t this a bit violent for your age?” He pushed the book down with his finger back into her lap. “You let me read Roadside Picnic, and that described how a man had to get his legs chopped off from the knee.”
“Oh, Yeah. Vulture… Well, no room for an argument there.” He sighed, rustling her hair. He stared at his husband for a moment, then looked back at his daughter. “How long has your father been asleep?”“I think maybe for an hour or so? I don’t know. I haven’t been paying attention really because of my headache.” She rubbed her temples lightly as she laid back into the chair, propping her feet onto the arm. Suddenly the both of them heard a groan, and directed their attention towards the other end of the couch, where his husband was starting to wake up. “Hi… Honey.” He yawned, sitting up straight. “Welcome home.”“Did you fall asleep waiting for me Jack?” Nicholas teased, sitting down beside him and leaned into his shoulder. “Yep, you took too long.” He held him by the hips and gave him a welcoming kiss on the lips. Nicholas chuckled, “Don’t worry I haven’t been waiting for long, I just got home.”“Well that’s good. I suppose if I just kept sleeping you were going to wake me up eventually.”“Probably. But um, how was your day sweetheart?” Nicholas asked, pushing him back onto the couch, falling down with him. “Eh, it was kind of about the same.” Nicholas felt as his husband reapplied his hands back onto his hips as he loosened his tie, “I suppose I did call my mother today.”“Oh, how has she been doing?”“Her and my father have been doing pretty well. Not much has been going on with them either.”
“I suppose the older you get, the less that happens…”“Yeah I suppose.”“I saw the windows, they look good. And you dusted too?”“I’m glad you noticed. Oh! And the AC should be good to go too, it didn’t need much cleaning, it was just a bit dusty.”“Well that’s good to hear.”The both of them then heard a sigh, “You two do sound old.” Nicholas directed his attention towards his daughter, “Why? Is it because the both of us are talking about everyday, mundane things like it’s something new?” He smirked, leaning against his hand. He watched as his daughter hid her flustered face behind her book.
“Yeah.”
“Well, you’d be- correct.” He pushed himself off from his husband, kissing him on his cheek before standing up from the couch. He smoothed his suit with hands. “Especially with your father going to join me here at 40 pretty soon… I better get out this thing, I’m going to wrinkle the hell out of it if I don’t.” He trailed off mumbling.“I’ll start on dinner while you go do that. Come on Octi, let's get dinner prepared.” He held out his hand to help her up, watching her stumble a little. He closed the blinds and followed his daughter into the kitchen. He pulled out the bell peppers, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, and cucumbers from the fridge and handed it to his daughter for her to wash. He quickly washed his hands so she could have the sink, and then took the carne asada from the package. He laid it out onto the cutting board and sliced the steak into strips. He set it in a bowl as he got the rest of the ingredients out for the steak. He saw a quick glance of his husband finally coming out of their bedroom. He glanced up and down at his outfit, which was a yellow sweater and brown slacks. “You’re… dressed awfully warmly Nikki. Don’t you want to put on something lighter? Maybe something like a t-shirt?”“Oh I’ll be fine. I tend to get cold very easily anyways, you know that.” He explained while he rolled up his sleeves.
Jack sighed, “Whatever you say hon. But anyways, I haven’t been able to ask how your day was.”
He stopped washing his hands for a moment, trying to think of what to say. “Well another coworker asked me out. Again.” He took out another knife and a cutting board from the cupboard for the vegetables.“Again? Jesus, when are they going to take the hint?”“I- I don’t know. It was that nurse Clair. She’s 30 I think, at least 10 years younger than me.” Jack shook his head, “Hey, wasn’t she one of those nurses that you caught gossiping?” Nicholas wiped his tear filled eyes with a wet paper towel. “Yeah, I think she was. It is a bit odd that she’d be asking me out.”“How come girls keep asking you out dad?” Octavia asked, grabbing a towel as cucumber juice trailed down her arms. “Well, your father is a handsome man. I can’t blame them for trying.“ Nicholas felt himself grow flustered and lightly shook his head. “Honey I know that’s a lie, you don’t even care about my looks.” He sighed, “Actually, the reason why she only wanted to go out with me, or I suppose ‘get to know me’ in the first place was because I always seem lonely and distant from the rest of the staff.”
Jack’s smile soured slightly, “She asked you out based on pity? That’s- probably one of the worst reasons to ask someone out. And she even admitted that?”Nicholas scoffed while he gutted the peppers. “She did. It does make me wonder if she was asking me out to talk about her gossiping, like you mentioned earlier… Maybe it’s how ‘exotic’ I look but I doubt that.” His face grimaced just saying the word. “But it isn’t polite to talk about someone in that sense, even if it is at home, that’s how rumors are created and spread.”
“If only she could do that with her patients Nikki.” Jack chuckled as he slid the peppers and onions into the hot oiled pan, hearing them sizzle. Nicholas sighed “Yeah you’re right.”“How come nurses at the hospital act that way?” Octavia asked, bringing the bowl of shredded cucumbers over to the table. “I have no idea, I suppose they never grew out of their high school life, or maybe their parents never taught them any better. Hopefully you never turn out like that, but I don’t think you ever will. We raised you to be better than that and it shows.” Nicholas commented as he continued to cut the remaining vegetables. Octavia could feel her face sort of beam, and tried to hide her flustered smile by rubbing it off her cheeks.“Speaking of high school, how do you feel about starting middle school in about a month hon?” Jack asked, pouring the cooked onion and peppers onto a plate. “I… I don’t know. I guess I’m a little nervous. What was middle school like for you?”Jack winced and tried to hide his groaning, grimacing as he reminisced sourly. “Middle school…” He sighed, “School in general wasn’t the best, at least for me. I had to work quite hard to prove that I could even belong or keep up with my classmates… Although times have changed quite a bit ever since I was your age. It’s probably not as bad as I would think, at least I would hope so." He poured the cooked onion and peppers onto a plate, then poured the marinated steak into the pan.Octavia grimaced along with her father without knowing, wondering if it was going to be as bad it sounded. “I don't think your father is the right man to ask for a- positive schooling experience Octi.” Nicholas consoled, holding her hand to focus her attention back.
“Then how was school for you then dad?”“Well, school… School was a bit rough for me as well. I was visually impaired and I didn’t get glasses until I was around 9. So I had to rely on sitting up front or asking your father for help. Which I did a lot of since English wasn’t my strong suit…” He trailed off, mumbling into his hand, “But hey I eventually got better. So if you’re ever struggling, don’t ever hesitate to come to us for help. The two of us have been, well, through more or so the worst parts of the education system.”
She smiled at him, “Thanks dad.” but then realized something else. “Wait, you didn’t get glasses until you were 9?”“My parents just couldn’t afford it, even my father was about blind as I was… I think about it sometimes, how very lucky I was to have myopia just like your grandfather felix.”
“Nicholas, I think my father would have gotten you glasses anyways.” He chuckled, “I remember that day my father found out about your father’s blindness. We were reading on the back porch and my father had just gotten home from work. He saw how close your father’s face was to the book, and he said something along the lines of, ‘Son. If you have that book any closer your eyes are going to have paper cuts.’ or something like that. And eventually he came to the conclusion real fast that he was nearsighted.”Nicholas’s face was a bit red from his husband’s remembrance, and desperately tried to hide it inconspicuously by leaning further into his hands. “Did I ever tell you that my father thought I had stolen them?” Jack’s eyes slightly widened and his eyebrows raised with surprise. “No I don’t think you ever did.”
“Yeah, when I came home he had asked where I had gotten them, and I had to explain that your father had given them to us since he wanted to help us. God, I remember when he first put them on, he couldn’t figure out if he wanted to cry out of happiness or disappointment.”“Disappointment?” Octavia questioned, hastily bringing out the rest of the ingredients out for the cucumber sauce. “It’s just my father was always someone who only relied on himself, he never did enjoy getting help from others, It's just how he was.”
“Hmm. I wish I could have met him. He seemed like a very interesting person.” She commented, soaking up the cucumber juice with paper towels.“Yeah, he was. I wish you could have seen him too, I think he would have loved you. My mother and father were already pretty old when they had me, probably about my age. Not only that, they had various health problems that they couldn’t afford. So… sadly it was only a matter of time.” He sighed dejectedly. “Well, there’s no use being sad over it. It’s been over a decade since it happened. Besides that, I shouldn’t be talking about morality like this with our anniversary and your birthday a week or so away.”
Jack placed the pan down onto the table, “It’s alright if you’re still upset about your parents honey, you don’t need to push it aside like it’s nothing.”“No it’s alright. The topic of death really isn’t something to talk about over dinner. You’ll lose your appetite.” He said, waving his hand away as he reached into the fridge for the tortillas and pitas. Jack shook his head and sighed through his nose as he went to get some plates and silverware.Respecting his husband’s wishes, the topic that was spoken over dinner was more for the celebratory. The three of them talked about what would happen for the 18th and the 25th. They discussed whether the two of them would stay at home, or go out for the evening. They weighed their options, “Well, Octavia is 13 now. Honestly I think this would be a great opportunity to see if she can handle herself on her own.” Nicholas commented, taking another small bite out of his pita.
“That is true. How do you feel about it Octi? Would you rather stay home or go visit your grandparents?” Jack asked. She thought about it for a moment. “Can I stay home?”

“If you’re comfortable being alone for a couple hours…” He sighed, “Your father and I will have to think about it a little more before we come up with a full fledged plan, but we will take your choice in consideration. We do have two weeks to think about it.” He smiled at her and lightly shook her by her shoulder. “What about your birthday?” She asked.“Oh, well, we’ll probably go to my parents and spend it there. I wonder if Jeanne or Rita will be able to come, probably just Rita…”
“I wish Aunt Jeanne visited more often.”
“I do too sweetheart, but she lives all the way in Washington. She is a busy woman, but hey at least she calls.” He took a bite out of his burrito.
Nicholas waited for a moment before asking, “Do you know how Rita has been doing?”Jack swallowed the food that was in his mouth, “Yeah, my mother told me a couple days ago that Rita has been doing well. She’s actually going to be coming down soon to visit in about a week, for, well a week. I am a bit excited, I haven’t seen her for a couple of months.”“I can’t wait to see her too. It’d be nice to catch up.”
“Wait...” Octavia’s face brightened, “If Aunt Rita is coming, doesn’t that mean that Antonio is too?” Jack huffed with adornment at his daughter’s expression, “I would assume so honey unless said otherwise.” Octavia grabbed the edges of her chair and tapped her feet on the linoleum floor in excitement. Even before the announcement of her cousin, she couldn't wait.Soon they were done eating dinner and they were cleaning up. She washed dishes, her father Nicholas dried them and put them away, while her father Jack put away the leftovers and set aside for her father’s lunch for the next day. Then he cleaned the counters and swept the floor. Not much was said or done after dinner, Nicholas went and took a shower while her and Jack talked and simmered down for the evening. While they talked, Octavia tried to think of what she could do for her father's birthday.She felt a bit embarrassed knowing that it was in a week, but yet she had nothing in mind that would be good. Her and Nicholas always had a group effort, but she wanted to create something just by herself, with no grown help. As they conversed, both of them babbling on of the books that they were reading that afternoon, the straining pain shot through her head again. This time it was a bit more stronger than when she had first felt it. It was still dull but sudden, the Ibuprofen must have worn off."So what I learned is that in order to graft a plant and have it start the fusing process, you must have something supporting it... Hey Octi honey are you okay?" Jack asked, watching her rub her temples with the butt of her palm. "Yeah, it's just that headache came back again..."
"
Again? Well how bad is the pain?""Not bad, it’s just dull and throbbing." She groaned. “How much Ibuprofen did you take today?” Jack asked..
“Just one.”“Well-” He started to say, before he saw his husband come out of the bathroom. “How about you go take another one and just relax, alright sweetheart?”
“Okay.”
Nicholas watched as his daughter went into the bathroom behind him, “What’s going on? What were you two talking about?”“Nothing, just her headache she’s been having today came back is all.”“Did it? She told me about it when I got home, I hope she feels better tomorrow with some sleep, that always seems to be the cure all for me anyways.” He commented, giving him a kiss on the lips. He then sat down beside him and reclined into his arm. “Do you think you could last two more nights?” Nicholas asked. “I probably could, but prepare for a lot of turning and not that much cuddling.”“Well then if that’s the case,” Nicholas took Jack by the collar of his button up and pulled him down along with him as he fell into the couch. Jack braced himself to prevent dropping all his weight at once onto his husband. “At least warn me honey, you have to remember I weigh at least twice as much as you.” He sighed. “Sorry sweetheart.” Nicholas said bashfully, his face growing a bit red.Jack shook his head slightly as he pushed back his damp bangs and gave him a kiss on forehead. They both shifted around so Nicholas would at Jack’s side as they laid down together. Jack watched as the bathroom light went out and so did his daughter. She reached over them and took the blanket that was folded up and draped over the back of the couch. She wrapped herself and reclined in the chair, mindlessly staring at the sea green cobalt dusk sky that peaked through the window.It wasn’t long until she fell asleep. Jack motioned towards her as her glasses became crooked. Nicholas smiled in adornment and yawned, “She looks so cute and peaceful like that… I really don’t want to wake her up, but I don’t want her sleeping in her jean shorts either…”“Do you want me to be the one?” Nicholas sighed,“If you want.” Jack carefully pushed himself off from the couch as Nicholas fell into the warm sunken cushions. Nicholas sat up and watched as his husband lightly shook her awake. She rubbed her eyes groggily and stretched. She went to start folding the blanket but stopped when her father gently took it away from her. She then hugged him and was given a kiss on her forehead. She went over to Nicholas and gave him a hug and received another kiss. Then with a wave and a “Goodnight, I love you two.” she disappeared into her room for the rest of the night.Jack laid the blanket back onto the couch and then started to check if the doors and windows were locked. After Nicholas had shut off all the lights, he was held by the hip as they went to their bedroom. Nicholas turned on the cheap box fan that sat by the wall, and then got into bed. He placed his three pronged cross necklace on the bedpost and tried to avert his gaze from his undressing husband. He knew that he would do the same, but found it hard not to watch. He averted his attention to the alarm clock and set its alarm to 5:35. Eventually his husband came crawling in and they spooned together.They shared one more deep kiss and got cozy with each other before the inevitable evening heat happened. Nicholas grew flustered as he felt Jack's warm and rough hand move up his tank top, feeling as he left it on the bare skin of his scrawny stomach. Another kiss of his was stolen off his cheek, his hand was held as the both of them shifted around to get comfortable. Snug underneath the covers, he felt as his husband’s warm body coaxed him off to sleep.

Chapter Two

“I love you two, I'll see you two later tonight!”“Bye honey! I love you too!” Jack waved to his husband from the table as he was walking out the door. He smiled as Nicholas blew him one more last kiss before he closed and locked the door. Jack drew his eyes to his husband’s empty plate, and to Octavia, it seemed like his smile grew even wider.“Did you give him extra again dad? You’re staring at his plate.” Octavia asked, taking a sip of leftover microwaved tea, flinching at its overwhelming sweetness. Jack shook his head. “I did, he seems to be getting better at eating larger portions…” He said as he took a bite of his scrambled eggs. “Well that’s good… but why can’t dad eat much again?”He swallowed. “It has to do with the fact that your father has a small stomach, so he gets full very easily on just small amounts of food… It’s also why he’s so scrawny and a bit on the shorter side.”“What does that have to do with height?” She asked as she swirled the tea around in her glass, not knowing what to do with it. “Well you know how your father and I tell you to eat a balanced meal so you can grow to be big and strong?”“Oh, did dad not do that when he was younger?” Jack winced, “He… exactly couldn’t due to his circumstances but basically yes that’s why.”“Then why am I so short?” She asked as she went to the sink. She hesitantly poured out half the glass, and then ran some water to dilute it. She took a sip and felt satisfied with its hint of sweetness, albeit its flavor was now a bit dull.“You just haven’t hit puberty just yet, but considering how you turned 13 not that long ago, you should be growing up pretty soon.”“When I do, do you think I can grow as tall as you?”“Maybe, we’ll just have to see when the time comes…” He took the empty dishes to sink where she stood. “Anyways, besides that, what do you want to do today?” Octavia shrugged her shoulders as she placed her cup on the counter and grabbed the step stool to reach the cupboard. “I was planning on taking a shower after this but otherwise, I don’t really know.” She lied, thinking about her father’s birthday present.“Well after your shower, how about you come out into the garden. You did sleep just about the whole time that I was out there due to your headaches.”“I was out there for a little bit before it happened.” She explained, bumping his elbow.He bumped back. “Some sun will do you good anyways, your skin is starting to look a little bit dull.” Octavia bumped him back in the shoulder with her head. He smirked and ruffled her hair with his wet hand. She patted her head and felt her slightly damp hair. In a small act of revenge, she let the faucet run onto her hand and flicked it back at her father. He put up his hands and shielded his face as he took a hold of her by her shoulders and shook her around lightly.She giggled as she started to lose her balance on the step stool. She quickly grabbed her father’s arms to stop herself from falling, feeling as he pulled her to stand straight. He laughed awkwardly, patting her back. “Sorry about that sweetheart.”“It’s alright dad, at least you caught me.” She flicked him in his arm.“Oh yeah, dad? Speaking of health I guess, why is dad’s tea so sweet? It almost tastes like my teeth are going to rot.” She asked as she continued to dry the dishes.“It’s just how he likes it, he does tend to have quite the sweet tooth... A bit ironic I suppose since he is a physician, but hey we all have our faults. It's only human.”It was around 7:45 a.m when they both had gotten done. Jack wiped off the tables, counters and the stove while Octavia took a shower. He took the keys from the side table and opened the side door to the garden, where an array of summer flowers lined the dark, sun bleached wooden fence. Poppies, lilies, marigolds, chrysanthemums, and chamomiles that had started to wake. The red poppies had started to shrivel and become wrinkled under the heat, the bronze marigolds were thriving in the summer sun, their bright warm colors shining at him, and the eggshell lilies, while healthy, were having a hard time blossoming.He went to the shed that sat by the side of the house with keys in hand. He pulled the door open and placed the lock to the side. “Let's see. I only need to water, pull new weeds, and make notes. Ah wait- I knew I was forgetting something. Oh well, I’ll get it later after I take care of the garden.” He thought to himself.He brought the watering can and filled it by the outside faucet. He sprinkled close to the ground, soon having to refill it again.“Hi dad, you’re still watering?” Octavia asked, kneeling down in her white summer dress. The shoulders had some blue embroidery that curled down in shapes of octopus tentacles. “Yep, I am. I’m gonna have to give the flowers a little more water than usual due to the rising temperatures, or else its soil is going to dry out-” He pushed himself off the ground with the watering can in hand. “Hey, is that that new dress that your nana got you for your birthday? You look good in it.”“Mmm hmm!” She nodded her head and spun her dress around. He smiled at her then ruffled her hair. “Hey, do you want to finish watering while I start pulling weeds? You can use all that water that’s in that can.”“Yeah sure.” and took the can away from him. He went into the shed and obtained a small pail. He started to pluck the weeds at their base, the moist and fluffy soil made it easy to pull out their roots. “Jesus, these weeds seem to really enjoy leeching by these poppies. They’re just swarming this area.” He commented, rhythmically plucking weeds.“Well they are starting to die out, maybe we should harvest them and put them into a vase. Poppies are dad’s favorite flowers aren’t they?”“They are...” He propped a poppy up with his finger and it bounced a little under its own weight when he retracted his hand back. “I should have harvested them earlier this summer before the heat had kicked in…” He sighed. “Oh well. I’ll do one last entry with them and put them into a nice bouquet for the table when it’s time to go inside. I know your father would appreciate them.” Octavia nodded her head and continued to water as her father weeded.She eventually got rid of all the water and then helped her father finish weeding around the plants. He took the pail and threw them in the garbage. It was around 8:30 when they were finished with the garden's chores, and they could both relax outside.“How come your drawings look so old fashioned, they sort of look like they belong in those botany books you’re always reading dad.” She commented, peering over father’s shoulder as he was hunched over. He sat up a little bit straighter. “Well, I am attracted to the style of how those books are drawn and written. I guess I just tend to take inspiration from them.” He handed his notebook to her and she flipped through the pages, seeing various notes of different stages of flowers, their conditions during the days, and cross breeding between different variants.“I know that I’ve seen your drawings before dad but… I’m always amazed at how close they are to the real thing.”“Well thank you honey, that is what I aim for.”She looked at the drawings closer, “...Have you ever thought of drawing people?”“I have, a couple times… Flip to the very back.”She closed the notebook and flipped it to its cardboard cover. There she saw a couple of pages filled just with various drawings of her father and herself, all acting naturally as they didn’t even realize that they were being drawn. He had captured all the little details. Like the dark circles underneath her father’s pale and tired eyes or that small bump that rose in the middle of her sharp nose… She figured when they were outside when they were drawn, considering the fact that she never saw her father with his notebook inside. “Wow… these are really good. They’re so realistic…”“Well, it’s just practice and studying is all it takes.” He said a bit bashfully. He held out his hand and she closed it and handed it back. Jack found where he was and continued to draw and jot down notes. She sat down at the table that was by the wall and continued to read Firestarter. She was so caught up in the story she didn’t realize that her father was standing in front of her with a bouquet of poppies held gently in both hands.She looked up at him and squinted as the sun shined in her eyes. She saw his hair had become loose from its hair tie; becoming a bit frizzy and bloated from the growing heat, his shirt seemed to be peeling off from his shoulders as sweat started to make the collar of his tank top a dark grey. “Octi, could you help me here for a moment?” She nodded and followed him into the kitchen.“What is it that you want me to do?” She asked. “Could you look for the small, bottle neck vase with the wide bottom? The one that has the crystallized texture? Then could you fill it halfway with water please?” She nodded her head. She searched through the cupboards where she had an idea where it could be and eventually, she found it.“Thank you honey.” He said, and threaded the poppies through the thin mouth of the vase. He let go and fluffed them as they popped into a beautiful half-globe of red. He swept the few petals that fell onto the table away into the bin and then got himself a glass of water. “God it was starting to get hot out there.” He wiped his mouth and breathed heavily as he pulled on his tank top rapidly. “Let's see, what time is it… Oh, it’s around 11:30, I didn’t realize that we were out there for that long… Oh, that reminds me I need to get the mail-”She watched as he went to the front door. She quickly went back outside to retrieve her book, and double checked if the shed was locked. She went back inside. Feeling a bit thirsty herself, she got her half empty glass of tea from the fridge. The both of them sat back down at the kitchen table.
She took a large swig from her glass and started to read the book in her lap while her father had a handful of mail and a newspaper.“Let's see what we have here… City Bill, Junk…” She watched as he aimed and tossed that envelope like a dart, it bounced off the wall and into the garbage. He took out and ruffled his hair as he continued to shuffle through envelopes, at least until he abruptly stopped at one that was the color of a rich lavender. The address that it was from was written in a pretty and almost over top cursive handwriting in black pen.Immediately a joyful smile grew on his face. “Hey, we got a letter from your Aunt Jeanne, Octi.” Octavia lifted her head from the edge of the table, rubbing her forehead of a line that was imprinted. She placed her book on the table and went to her father’s side as he opened the envelope, inside was a written letter and 50 dollars.“Happy early birthday big brother! I hope you, Nicholas, Octavia, mama, papa, and Rita are doing well, I do miss you all with how far I work and live from. I want and I am going to take time off so I can make the trip and celebrate your 40th birthday with you, it’d be awful and awfully rude for me not to celebrate such a major milestone in person. Come call me tomorrow when you have the chance, I should be free all day tomorrow. Oh! I just wanted to give you a little something for you to spend. There should be 50 dollars in the letter, hopefully. Anyways, I’ll see you six in about a week! I can’t wait to see you all. -Love, Jeanne.”“Well she certainly didn’t have to give us that much, Jesus Christ… But it’s good to know that she is coming.” Jack mumbled, looking back at the letter and folding the bill back and forth between his thumb and finger. “Well… At least we know she’s been doing good if she’s giving you 50 dollars dad.” She commented, swaying back and forth.“Yeah I suppose. We- Well at least I don’t need it…” He rested his hands onto the table. “I’m going to put this in the jar and hang this letter up, I certainly don’t want to lose both of these.” She watched as he went into the bedroom, only being reminded of the thought that she wasn’t allowed in there unless something was going wrong.She finished off her tea and then retreated to the couch. She got comfortable as she sunk into the pillows. After a moment, her father came back out and grabbed the newspaper from the table. He sat in the chair next to her and reclined as he started to read. He didn’t like to check the newspaper much, he really only checked it for local news.As he read, he came across something that caught his eye. It was something that had caught his attention many times before and it was a contest. A flower contest. “Are you a florist, a botanist, a gardener, or just enjoy growing flowers as a hobby? Well, this contest will showcase your skill and those who are skillful will be rewarded. Deliver us photos through mail or by hand for entry! No fee required, all submissions are due on June 19th and the winner will be announced on the 26th.” Underneath the article showed the mailing address of the local gardening shop that was downtown.He pondered on it. It happened every year and every time he thought of joining, but he just couldn’t bring himself to. He lightly shook his head as to rid the thought of ever participating and started to wonder nationally. He noticed that each time he read, there had been one page that had been dedicated to the ongoing crisis that was the Human Immunodeficiency Virus. “Thousands continue to-”He quickly closed the paper all together. He had read about it before, and the thought that either him, his husband, or even his daughter possibly contracting it and slowly wasting away was terrifying enough for him to block it out of his mind. He wouldn’t allow himself to obsess over something he had no control over, at least not again.
He turned his attention to the clock on the stove as it read to be 12:55, quite the overtime for lunch.“Hey Octavia, are you feeling hungry?” He asked. “I mean, I suppose a little bit.”“Well then I’ll just make something light, then after that we need to practice on your spanish.” He said, rolling up the newspaper as he got up from the chair. “Again? We just practiced yesterday.” She closed her book, her thumbs kept where she was last at. Jack lightly bounced the newspaper on the top of her head. “Yes again. You need to keep on it if you want to keep sharp on it.”“Then why don’t we use it more often? Like more casually when we talk, like right now?” Jack opened his mouth to protest, but then realized she was right. “Well, I suppose I can start talking to you in Spanish right now if you’d like, if you really want to start to apply it.”“Can we?”“Yeah sure. I can talk to you while we make lunch.” He motioned his head towards the kitchen and she followed. She got out plates, a cutting board and a knife. Jack thought for a moment before he spoke, “¿Qué quieres en tu… sándwich?” Octavia took a moment to register what her father had said, “Bueno... ¿qué tenemos?”Jack smiled at her and nodded his head, “Bueno, tenemos… lechuga, tomates… cebollas rojas y pepinillos si también quieres eso.” She went to his side to get a better concept of what he was saying. “Todo…? menos los… ¿Pepinillos?” Her father gave her a thumbs up. “¡Lo estás haciendo mejor hasta ahora, cariño!” She felt her face grow warm when she recognized that phrase.She placed the vegetables, the meat, cheese, bread, and mayonnaise on the table as she was handed them. “¿Por favor podrías prepararme el pan?”She immediately responded with “Si!” a bit too excitedly. Jack jumped and laughed a little at her eagerness. He patted her back as her embarrassment grew, and tried to focus on spreading the mayonnaise onto the bread.
“Ahora, ¿cómo fue eso?” Jack asked, taking a bite out of his sandwich.“No, muy mal…” She tried to think what the word could be, but no matter how much she tried she couldn’t. She sighed in frustration. “No, I guess… I mean- Not, too bad, I guess.” Jack swallowed. “Hey, you did good sweetheart. I understand trying to speak in a language that isn’t your native tongue can be hard sometimes. You at least understood me, right?”“I did.”He patted her back. “Well that’s good. At least you can, we just need to work on actually talking is all. That’s… my fault for not- not encouraging but not for incorporating it in more day to day

“It’s alright dad… Why do you try to teach me Spanish anyways?”“Well, I can think of a couple reasons. One, it’s always good to know a secondary language, y’know just in case or to… expand your horizons is a way to put it. Two, my side of our family speaks Spanish, so I feel like it’s important to learn as a way to connect. Then three, with me being your father who can, I also feel that it’s my responsibility to teach you such things.”“Oh. I see.”“Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Just remember, don’t be so hard on yourself. If you want, if we’re in the middle of talking and you forget a word, you can replace it with the english variant and I can correct you. If you’re alright with that.” Octavia nodded her head in agreement and leaned her head against his arm. Jack smiled at her and rubbed her shoulder. “Are we still doing Spanish lessons after this?” She asked. “Yes we are. You may have done well but I could tell you were struggling a bit. But that’s alright, that just means you have more room to learn.” He ruffled her hair and she smiled at him.
As she fixed and combed her hair with her fingers, she suddenly felt a very dull throbbing within her head. It wasn’t anything major, but it did annoy her as they finished eating lunch. “Did my headache come back because I was having a hard time trying to talk to dad in Spanish?” She wondered to herself as she helped her father with the few dishes.The aching only grew more and more prominent at a considerable rate. As she recited after her father, linking words together… it became hard to focus and she didn’t want to cut it short like they had to yesterday. It was close to 3:30 before they had stopped studying for the day. The both of them decided to relax as Nicholas would be home in about 30 minutes.“You improved quite a bit on your vocabulary today sweetheart, but we need to practice on your pronunciation a little. Otherwise, you did well.” He said, putting the books of Spanish underneath the end table, pulling out a book of botany that showcased and detailed plants that grow naturally within the northwest.“Thanks… dad.” She yawned and leaned against his shoulder. The pain in her head felt like it was rapidly coursing and pulsing through her veins and temples. It felt like her whole head was throbbing. “Did studying all that Spanish make you tired?” He asked, rubbing her shoulder. “Yeah, but I think it also gave me a headache…” She confessed. “Did it? Are you sure it isn’t your ocular albinism again?”“No, because my eyes aren’t irritated.”“Hmm. Well, I suppose all you can really do is take an Ibuprofen and take a small nap. I can wake you up when your father is home.”“Okay, thank you.”She went to the bathroom and found the bottle in the mirrored medicine cabinet. She then dry swallowed a pill and went back out the living room. She got comfortable on the couch, snuggling with a throw pillow. Just as she was about to lose consciousness, she was brought back when she heard the key digging and twisting the lock, her eyes flinched slightly when the door opened.“Oh hey! Welcome home- Nikki.”She felt the weight of the couch shift as she felt him stand. She slightly opened her eyes to see her fathers’ holding each other and each others hands. They shared a kiss between each other before they sat down. “How was your day today?” Jack asked.Nicholas hummed. “Oh, it was about the same as yesterday. At least no one tried to ask me out. How about you two?”“Eh, pretty much the same as well for the most part, I did get a letter from my sister.”“Oh, was it from Jeanne? How is she doing?”“Doing well enough that she gave me 50 dollars. But besides that, she plans to come down next week and she wants me to call tomorrow.”“50 dollars? Jesus, she must be, but it’s good to know that her fashion business is doing well and that she’s coming down.”“Yeah. I'm, a bit excited, we haven’t seen her in a couple years. It’d be nice to catch up.”“Yeah it would be.” Nicholas looked over to his left to view his resting daughter. “How long has she been asleep?”“Not long, I was going to wake her up when you got home. Our Spanish lesson must have been a bit rough on her today because she started to have another headache.”“Another headache? Oh she just can’t escape from them during the summer can’t she?” He scooted closer as he rested his elbow on his thigh, leaning into his hand. He lightly rubbed her shoulder, “Hey Octi honey, I’m home. How are you feeling?”She slowly sat up straight while rubbing her temples. “Hi dad, and I’m feeling okay.”“Does your head still ache?” He asked, placing the back of his hand against her forehead, growing a bit paranoid that she may be contracting a fever or some sort of sickness. “Kind of. It wasn’t as bad as it was earlier.”“Well that’s good, I’m glad that you’re feeling better.” He drew her hair behind her ears and kissed her on top of her head. He smiled at her while giving her a squeeze. “So, what do you two want for dinner?” He asked while loosening his tie from his collar. Both Jack and Octavia thought about it, except while trying to, all progress of trying to get rid of her headache was undone. Her temples started to throb once again, it rose quickly in sensation of pain. It was almost like a pounding sensation, if someone were trying to get through her head. Luckily, Jack had answered for the both of them. “How about navy style pasta?”“The kind that my mother used to make?” Nicholas questioned. They both saw as Jack nodded. “Alright, if that’s what you want, that's what we’ll make. Let me just get out my work clothes first…” He went into their bedroom as Jack took Octavia by the hand into the kitchen. Jack got a pot and filled it with water. Octavia weakly got the peppers and tomatoes from the fridge. As she was about to wash them, the rabid and heavy hitting pulse had overflowed and the heaviness of her mind had suddenly become light like a fluttering sheet of paper. Her body became limp and drenched with nausea and aches.“Dad, I think I need to… lay…”As Nicholas was finishing putting on a white jersey knit shirt over his black long sleeve, he jumped as he heard a sudden and loud thud. “Octavia!?” He heard his husband yell. Quickly, he opened the bedroom door. There he saw his husband holding their unconscious daughter in the middle of the kitchen floor, desperately trying to wake her up.Except she wouldn't, no matter how or what he tried.

Chapter Three

There were familiar sounds of crashing waves crashing against the rocks, a sea’s breeze blew through sand speckled black hair. Octavia opened her eyes to be surrounded by large, dark toned maroon rocks that were covered with barnacles and squishy sea anemones. The shore started to seep through the hollow spaces underneath, creeping upon her dress. She picked herself up and dusted her dress of sand. She pushed the bridge of her glasses to only realize that she wasn’t wearing them. Why, she could see perfectly. She carefully peered around the rocks to see the remnants of sunlight start to set, and surprisingly the sunset didn’t strain her eyes at all. She combed through her hair and shook her head violently to get as much sand as she could out.She glanced around. Black and burned out campfires dotted here and there in the sand, yellow peridot bull kelp washed up against the shore, broken seashells littered the ground. The sky twisted with greyish green clouds, clouds that always caused Jack to say, “It looks like it may rain today hon, but hey, it’d be good for the garden.”The sea breeze transformed into a sea wind, the waves crashed against the shore and the rocks with a little more violence than she liked. From the distance, she could hear a vague train whistle, and its direction came from the pine treeline. There was a small path that led upwards with wooden steps and she made her way towards it.The treeline was more of a small forest. It had parted the beach and the sea from whatever was on the other side, and it was way larger than she had thought at the shore. She continued on the path, looking around at her surroundings and thinking about the place that she was in. She saw a beige tent over in the distance, by the further edge of the forest that she couldn't see before. I didn't seem far, so she made her way over.The tent didn't have anyone in it, but it didn't seem abandoned. It was an old fashioned tent. Two poles on opposite sides, and a string between the two to keep it held up. In the tent there were two sleeping bags, two suitcases, and a backpack. There were a few fully intact seashells and a full sand dollar in the top right corner. She didn't want anyone to possibly steal anything, so she layered it shut and hesitantly went back to the trail.The more she thought about it, the more it dawned on her that she’d been to these places before. The forest was a well traveled trail in her town, and the beach was the trip to Lincoln City that had happened this year early in June.Although she really couldn't explain the tent. Maybe certain memories were overlapping each other but she wasn't quite sure about that explanation.She wondered why she was even here, last she remembered she was walking to the couch to lay down. There really was no other explanation that maybe this was nothing but a dream of hers, although normally she didn't have dreams at all. She would just go to sleep and then wake up. Knowing the path, she walked on. Soon the path started to be outlined by wooden square logs, signalling that she was getting close to town.Along with the logs, poppies started to appear. There were a few at first, mostly petals, but then became abundant as she got closer and closer to town. Pretty soon, there were more poppies than dirt and grass. The flowers reminded her of her father Nicholas and his love for them, and she could see why with their vibrant red. Why, Jack even had a special tie custom made that was embroidered with poppies.As she exited the path, she could hear the train’s distant whistle once again. The wind's powerful lungs blew against her, this time it was even stronger. It whipped her sand covered hair against her face and stung her with cold. She found herself at the train station that was located deeper in her town. That's when she saw something peculiar.As normal, there were men, women, and children waiting for the train to come on both sides of the station. Some were still in their beachwear, some were in casual beach clothing, and some children had their towels draped over their shoulders due to the cold. The peculiar thing about them was the fact that they seemed to be made of pale yellow glass, including their clothes and items. The surroundings and the other glass figures warped around and within them.She heard the train becoming closer, the people started to shift around and lean towards the edge to see how close it was. She walked along the edge of the boardwalk that was close to the edge of the forest to avoid bumping into anyone. It would be horrible if she were to cause an accident, even if this was a dream.After walking along the seam, glancing and peering through the glass figures, there was someone who stuck out from the other side. They wore a grey button up, dark green pinstriped umber business pants and,... a tie with red poppies. She smiled, happy to finally see a familiar face who was no other but her father Nicholas. She watched as he made his way through the figures and towards the edge.She heard the train’s whistle once again, this time it was ear piercing, indicating its arrival was soon. As she made her way through the figures, she noticed how vibrant and saturated in color everything was becoming. The figures grew more of a dandelion yellow, the grey green sky gradually became more of a toxic, high radiation lime. The poppies in the train tracks and in the cracks of the boardwalk especially became vibrant, almost violently and eye straining. The wind picked up, almost plucking the poppies from the ground with how strong it was, the train’s current helping it.She finally emerged from the figures, and scanned for her father once again. She spotted him and why, he looked awful. Now that she had a closer look, he looked disheveled. His hair was a mess, the part in his bangs were bent and crooked, his tie was lopsided, his shirt was pulled and stretched and his shoulder was exposed, one of his lapels was longer than the other. She noticed that he didn’t have glasses either. He stared mindlessly at the tracks, his hair lashed at his eyes and face. She looked at him with a new growing feeling of concern, never having seen her father in such a horrible state before.She went to yell at him to catch his attention, but was interrupted by the train’s final whistle. The atmosphere became more and more harder to just look at normally, it felt like the wind was trying its hardest to pick her off her feet. She squinted and watched as her father turned his back away from the tracks, the train finally coming through, covered in poppies.But train did not slow down.Nor did it not stop.She watched as he tilted backwards on his feet, his arms stretched out. She saw his face, he had a frown. A frown that said that he was happy that this was happening, but it quickly turned into a smile when they met eyes. She screamed as he was hit by the train’s pilot, his body was torn and twisted around himself as it sprayed blood. She watched his body fly into the air, his button up was stripped and torn up into pieces, his pants fluttered with torn poppies and their petals. He threw up more blood, coughing over his shirt.Just as quickly as the train came, his body and his blood started to transform and were eaten into mint green buds, then blossomed into bright red poppies. The poppies flew and wrapped around with the wind, mixing with the steam of the locomotive. The world around her quickly dulled, the poppies still keeping some of their red color, but now were muted.Her body weakened, and collapsed onto her knees underneath her own weight. The weight of her heart, and the weight of grief that pinned down her mind. She continued to stare straight through at the passing of 540 long tons of steel, tears forming in her eyes as her hair waved back and forth. Then her face reflected red, her glistening eyes widened, then her brows furrowed in realization and worry when the train finally passed fully. The other side of town was now gone, and all of what was left was surrounding mountains with a field of poppies within that mountain’s valley.She closed and rubbed her eyes as her tears irritated them. When she opened them again, she was met with the buzzing of white and sanitizing lights, and the sounds of someone running across the room.